EngLish Jokes Time......

Bra Sizes

Ever wonder why they use ABCDEF to define bra sizes?

A - Absent

B - Barely visable

C - Come in useful

D - Damn good

E - Enormous

F - Fantastic

FF - Fuckin Fake!!!!

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Wrong E-Mail

Mr. Steve Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana.
He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer. Unfortunately, he mistyped a letter, and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs.

Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away. The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.
When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."

~~~~~~~~~

Virgin's Confession

A sixteen year-old virgin girl has a bad day, so she goes to visit her priest after hours in his office. Late that evening, she goes to his office for guidance and confession.

"Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."
" Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch?" the priest asked.
" Because, Father, he touched me on my arm without permission."
" Do you mean like this?" he asked, as he touched her arm.
" Yes, Father."
" That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."
" But, Father, he also touched my breasts."
" Do you mean like this?" he asked, as he touched her breasts.
" Yes, Father."
" That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
" But, Father, he took off my clothes."
" Do you mean like this?" he asked, as he removed her clothes.
" Yes, father."
" That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
" But, Father, then he put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."
" Do you mean like this?" he asked, as he put his you-know-what in her you-know-where."
" Yes, Father."
" That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
" But, Father, he has herpes!
Remarked the Father, "That son-of-a-bitch!

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Great Female Comebacks

Man "Haven't we met before?"
Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man "Is this seat empty?"
Woman "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man "Your place or mine?"
Woman "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman "It's in the phone book."

Man "But I don't know your name."
Woman "That's in the phone book too."

Man "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman "I'm a female impersonator."

Man "What sign were you born under?"
Woman "No Parking."

Man "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman "Do not Enter"

Man "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman "Unfertilized"

Man "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man "I know how to please a woman."
Woman "Then please leave me alone."

Man "I want to give myself to you."
Woman "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man "I can tell that you want me."
Woman "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy
Woman "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."

Man "Your body is like a temple."
Woman "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman "Yes, but would you stay there?"

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Phone Call

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins
to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up .The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

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Bank Loan

A Chinese walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan
officer.He tells the loan officer that he is going to Taiwan on business
for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security
for the loan, so the Chinese hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on
the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything
checks out.

The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the
Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground
garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest,
which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,
and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow
$5,000?"

The Chinese replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for
two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

~~~~~~~~~

Job Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The young engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

~ End~